#found a little something i wrote back in late 2022

[elephantlovemedleys]

when the heart would cease, ours never knew peace

The moon was bright, the breeze of the wind breathing against the back of Robert’s neck, even from his spot in the shade. He craved to go back inside his chambers, as the sun had set and supper had been done but Elizabeth liked it out there, so he would stay. It was a comfortable silence, and he couldn’t stop staring at the way she looked so alive in nature. Her eyes were brighter, her skin warmer, her hair shinier. It was dizzying how irresistible she looked.  That’s the only way he thought to describe it. Beautiful. She was lost in her own thoughts, back resting against the trunk of the tree they were both sitting under. Robert was always wondering how even words on a page could not describe how she had made him feel, but it didn’t matter how many times he’d attempt to explain it, to properly formulate them into words, he never understood. He wished he could lose his focus on reality easily, but the only thing that ever came close was her. It felt wrong, but he could stare at Elizabeth for hours and never get bored of it. Sunlight made her stand out and moonlight made her shine; Nothing will take away your brilliance. He wanted to tell her….So badly. He wanted to say so many things—but something always stopped him. It almost tasted like fear. She’d have invaded his thoughts for days, and all he could think about was his hand brushing against hers, or the curve of her lips whenever she’d grin back at him. It was addicting. But he couldn’t tell her. Not yet. Not in the midst of chaos and despair. He would know when the moment was right.

[lavendersmemories]

I wrote this in like 2022? Thought maybe I’d post it. If a certain part seems too familiar I was obsessed with back up by deJ loaf at the time. I have a half written part 2 if anyones interested after this part.

Warnings: nsfw, smut, all characters are 18+, fem! Reader, not proof read, porn without plot, fboy Deku who’s not as good as he thought, sub Deku, begging, overstimulation, little bit of dacryphilia, might’ve missed something

Words: 3.2k

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Midoriya was going on a walk, it was pretty late Friday night. As he walked through the path of the UA dorm area he found a girl sitting on a bench by herself. He didn't recognize her, she was really pretty though. Not having any plans tonight her figured he might as well try for a bit of fun. He went and sat beside the girl, she took out her headphone and looked at him unamused.

"Can I help you?" She asked coldly. He stuck out his hand to her, she looked down at it unamused not accepting it. He put his hand back down with an awkward smile.

"Hey I'm Izu-" he said getting cut off by her.

"I know your name Midoriya, and I know all about your little reputation" she said rolling her eyes, he was a little taken aback but she was starting to intrigue him.

"I didn't realize I was starting to get famous. If you know about me then-" he tried again but she cut him off.

"I know you think your some kind of lady killer but I'm not like these other girls your messing around with, I think I'll pass" she said standing up to walk away, he grabbed her hand this firey attitude in her making him really interested in her.

"You didn't even let me finish, how'd you know that's what I was gonna say" he said making her turn around.

"Fine then what did you have to say?" She asked starting to get annoyed.

"I was going to ask your name, and who you are since I don't recognize you" he said, it was the half truth he was interested in that but she had it pretty accurate that his mind was elsewhere.

"I'm Y/n, a third year in the support course" she said, she left out her last name. Making him even more intrigued, the way that she had such an attitude and stayed mysterious made him want to dive in her pants even worse, as terrible as that may sound. It wasn't just that though, he did want to get to know this mysterious girl's personality and why she acted this way. He was glad she was at least in his grade though, he was really hoping the reason he didn't recognize her wasnt because she was a first year. It also confused him though how he never met her in these three years.

"Well tell me more about yourself Y/n" he said making her pull her arm away.

"I know what kind of game your trying to play, and I'm not falling for it. Honestly just because you get around doesn't mean your this hotshot that's going to get everyone to drop their panties for you, especially because I'm sure you've never actually made a women cum in your life." She said pretty confidently. He stood up with a smirk on his face.

"I mean you can test the theory then if your so confident in it. But I will say I always make sure she finishes first~" he said, using a different tone for the second part. He was trying to be seductive, any other girl would swoon but she was used to this.

Any guy that acted like him had never made her cum, only left her annoyed. So she was sure his 'amazing reputation' was all front, he was being honest though. It was his pride that he always left girls shaking.

She finally let out a sigh and looked at him, trying to act defeated. Inside she was wearing a giant smile, kind of excited to crush his ego.

"I mean fine if your so sure of yourself" she said, making the smirk go back onto his face. She started walking towards her dorm, he followed her quickly.

"By the way when I make you cum don't be blowing up my phone, it doesn't make me your boyfriend or anything" he said from behind her, she nodded trying to stifle a giggle as she kept walking.

She took him back to her dorm, going up to the top floor. He entered the room taking a quick look around as she locked the door, not quite what he was expecting but to be fair the only thing he knew about this girl was her first name. He didn't normally like to do something like that but sometimes it happens. The girl then startled him by teleporting infront of him.

"Oh fuck, you scared me" he said as she laughed quietly. That was one way to find out her quirk.

"Don't worry, I'll be full of surprises" she said with a smirk. She then leaned up kissing him, he kissed her back wrapping an arm around her waist.

He slowly inched towards her bed, making sure to not knock either of them over in the process. Gently pushing her onto it before climbing over her body. As she stared up at him there was just something in his eyes, it drew him in.

He leaned down needing to feel her soft lips against his again. Letting his hands trail down her sides, not pushing under the shirt or straying too far, he always did try his best to be respectful.

He didn't try to pry anything, but her tongue slide past his lips making a grunt leave his mouth. If this was her pace he could most certainly match it. His tongue swirled against hers, fighting for dominance. She decided to play along and let him win, being able to feel the satisfaction on his face although she knew she could instantly wipe that away if she so chose to.

His hands settled on her waist, holding tightly as he let his tongue freely move about her mouth, trying to explore every inch of it. He was feeling satisfied in this, feeling as though she was there at his mercy. But her thigh pressed up against his crotch, causing a stutter in his movements and unexpected moan.

He had to pull away, looking down at her with half lidded lust clouded eyes. She only stared at him innocently, moving to take off her shirt. And he was quick to follow.

"Let me touch you?" He asked softly after discarding his shirt.

"Don't really have to ask" she sounded almost annoyed, placing his hands on her sides. As he let his hands explore the soft exposed skin he lean down, face in her neck. "wanted to be a gentleman" was grumbled against the skin as he kept touching her. Gently kissing at the junction between her neck and shoulder as his hands met her chest.

An annoyed sigh left his mouth at the fabric keeping him from properly touching them. He was too nice of a boy to acknowledge it earlier but he knew she had a nice chest. And as the boob guy he was he was rather excited. His hands were quick to trail behind her back, getting at those clasps quickly.

As he sat up to help her completely pull off her bra his eyes sparkled. She did have a nice chest, infact he was sure he loved it he thought. His hands were quick to cup them, feeling himself twitch against his jeans at the softness. He could do this forever.

When he realized her gaze was fixated on him and his awed look he flashed a bright smile. Leaning down to press kisses onto her collarbone.

"You have a really nice body, so beautiful" he mumble out softly, green eyes staring up at her as he left those soft kisses. Instead of venturing lower like he would've liked to he was pulled up into another kiss.

He smiled against her lips, loving the soft feeling of them against his. He really hadn't realized how worked up he had gotten until a slight shift had his hips pressed against hers. And he had to hold back a whimper at the feeling. It embarrassed him how horny he was, he usually didn't feel this way nor move so quickly. But the feeling of her leggings inching down made him ready to rip off everything and just be inside.

He sat up, his face slightly flushed as he looked down at her lightly panting. He was tugging at his belt as he watched not only her legs be exposed but also her cunt. She really did move fast, but he would be lying if he said he didn't love this pace.

His pants were quickly tugged off and he was now spreading her legs, getting ready to dive right in when she stopped him with a gentle tug of the hair.

"That won't be necessary" his eyes went wide, she really wasn't gonna let him please her? His mouth hung open for a moment but he sat up anyway, looking down at the girl.

"Then should..." his voice trailed off slightly, not positive what to ask but as her gaze trailed to his boxers he got the message, quickly pulling them down.

After he took his boxers off he tried to get on top of her but was pushed onto his back. She climbed ontop of him straddling his waist. He looked up at her as she gently grabbed his cock, before she let him inside her she looked down at him.

"By the way if I fuck and make you cum you gotta promise not to stress me. Don't be blowing up my phone and don't be leaving voice messages" she said with a smile, making fun of what he said earlier. He tried to retort but she pushed the tip against her, he pressed his lips shut.

Her being on top of him did slightly ruin his usual method but he was sure he wouldn't have a problem, or could take back control and get on top eventually. He was pretty confident in this, he's always been good at lasting long.

She in one swift quick motion made their hips meet. He didn't know what happened but he let out a grunt and instantly released inside of her. His eyes were shut tight and he gripped the sheets as he drained his load. She was quite surprised but stayed as she was.

After about a minute he opened his eyes, his face was red and the embarrassment set in.

"I-I-I" he just stuttered over again. She put a finger over his lips, beginning to rock her hips back and forth. A loud moan left his lips. "Y-y-y/n you.. you can't do that... it's too much" he said grunting and moaning, his eyes closing tightly and his hand grabbing her waist.

"Come on Midoriya you were supposed to make me cum, wheres the fun in me getting one thrust" she teased him a big smirk on her face, but she did stop moving her hips since he asked. He looked up at her, his face was red and his mouth was just left hung open. She could make out some sweat starting to drip down his face. "Well I'm disappointed but I guess if your already tapped out.." she said lifting her hips to get off of him, his hips thrusted upwards to her. He wasn't sure why but the feeling of even a little of that overstimulating pleasure leaving made his body react on its own.

"N-no, more please" he whined out, she looked down at him surprised again. He grabbed onto her hips as he continued to grind his up into them. His eyes were beginning to gloss over, with all the girls that he had been with before he never felt this way before. He had never cum so quickly, and had never chased pleasure after an orgasm. Something about her had him entranced and needing more.

"Oh I thought it was too much?" She teased seeing his head shake on the pillow, she pushed her hips back down over his. Making a loud moan leave his mouth.

"Oh god, yes please more!" He pleaded as her hips started to slowly move. He kept bucking his hips up into hers begging for her to ride him faster. Her wet walls were absolutely strangling him as she slowly bounced herself on his cock.

"Please! Faster!! I need it, please Y/n!!" He begged, his eyes growing teary again. She rolled her eyes at the begging boy beneath her, as bad as she wanted to tease him she couldn't will herself to as he shamelessly asked for more. So she raised herself almost completely off of him, sinking back down on his cock before going at an unfair pace.

Izuku squealed at the overwhelming pleasure he was feeling, he had never had a girl make him feel this way before. Usually he'd be routinely pounding away (not that he was complaining, he always got to get off) and working circles on her clit while saying the nastiest words into her ear. Or if he had a girl ride him (which was hardly ever) he'd be guiding her, fucking her down onto his cock. Possibly even holding her still just to pound up into her.

But this was a completely different and new pleasure, this felt better then any sex he had before. This made all his other sex compare to nothing more then his left hand.

He was writhing underneath her, holding onto her thighs bruisingly as she kept unfairly riding him. Her walls squeezing around him for all he was worth. And as much as the pleasure burned, as much as he thought he should stop, he just couldn't. Not when it felt this good.

He stared up at her with glossy emerald eyes as he kept squeezing her thighs, digging his nails into the plush flesh. Loud moans wouldn't stop leaving his mouth. She on the other hand looked unphased above him, riding him like this which was to her content because Izuku knew he was powerless right now. He felt like she was just using him as a toy, and god did he love being her dildo.

A loud gasp left his mouth, followed by a sob as she angled her hips a new way, allowing him to hit deeper inside her which resulted in her squeezing him tighter. Tears rolled down his cherry red cheeks as his head tossed back and forth across the pillow. His tight grip on her thighs turning deathening as he tried to take the burn of the overstimulation out on them.

"O-oh god, fuck, please, please!!" He cried out, not even knowing what he was begging for at that point. Her head tilted down to check in on the boy beneath her again, and god he looked ruined. Tears were streaming down blushing cheeks as he cried his pleasure, sweat matting his curled locks to his forehead.

"Please what pretty boy?" She asked and hearing her sultry voice, plus the nickname made him snap again. His back arched and his mouth fell open as he shoot inside her once again. A shrill scream escaped his throat as he thrashed at his second overwhelming orgasm.

Her pace never faltered, staring down at the boy in amusement as she kept greedily riding his cock. He didn't know how but he was still half hard at this point, and unfairly twitching back to life inside her. He really didn't think he could handle anymore but he'd be dammed if he asked her to stop.

His eyes were fixated on hers as she gazed down at him. Even with his blurry vision he could make out the smug look on her face. He couldn't stop himself from coming undone like this though, he would choose this pleasure over anything else.

"Such a pretty little thing you are" she purred out softly, a choked out moan leaving him in response. And a loud sob followed as her hands met his chest, expertly playing with his nipples. His thighs shook above the sheets at the new pleasure of her fingers rolling his buds. He'd never been touched that way before, and he really didn't think he could take it on top of everything else.

"Y/n.... Fuck! I can't... can't take it!" He cried out, his eyes squeezing themselves shut tight. Even as he said that he wouldn't let go of her thighs, and his cock still throbbed inside her.

Her hips didn't slow though, they probably sped he really couldn't tell anyone. And she just kept squeezing around him, the sensation was growing tighter. Her delicate fingers were still dancing on his chest, just adding to the overstimulation that was melting his mind with each pinch and roll of his sensitive nipples.

His thighs shook beneath her as his eyes shot open, crying out wishing for the burn to stop even if it felt so good. Her expression above him was no longer smug his blurry vision was finally able to decipher, in fact she was biting her lip and looked to be struggling. And from the way her gushing cunt wouldn't stop clenching around him his two functioning brain cells were able to tell what was gonna happen.

So he willed himself to buck his hips up into her unforgiving heat, wanting so desperately to help her cum even if he could barely think. She was caught off guard and her motions on his chest had to pause as she tried to collect her bearings. As much as she wanted to hold back, make it look like she had so much more self control then him, she was failing and she knew she was gonna cum soon.

"Please!! Please, leaaaseee!!" Izuku forced himself to scream out, it was the most coherent he could get even though it was horribly slurred by all the drool in his mouth.

She took the hint, cursing herself in the back of the mind as she let herself give in. No longer ignoring the tightly wound begging coil in her stomach she moved a hand down to rub her clit. Quickly coming undone and convulsing around his cock. Izuku couldn't be happier to see her cum "for him", it wasn't much of his doing but it satisfied him. So much that the sight had his eyes rolling back and his back arching off the bed, pouring a third load into her tight clenching pussy. Until he was whining and whimpering, it really had become too much.

She looked down at him and mercifully lifted herself off from his cock. Wiping the tears and drool away from his pretty face as he hazily stared up at her, a happy dopey grin on his face and unfocused emerald eyes close enough to meeting hers. She gave his forehead a kiss before getting off the bed, fetching a towel to clean him up.

His hazy eyes opened a little surprised as she started cleaning him up, mumbling his appreciation. He was practically passed out right now, barely paying attention as she got herself dressed again.

When he forced himself to sit up he felt like he couldn't look at her with anything other then pure adoration. He sighed dreamily "this is more then a crush, i just might be in love" whether it was with her or her pussy was still to be determined.

[zanarkandfayth]

Happy Storyteller Saturday!

What inspired you to write Monsters Running Wild (Inside of Me), if it's not too difficult for you to talk about (given the subject matter of the story)? If it's too personal to share, (or you can also treat this as a bonus question!), what was your favourite comfort scene to write in that story?

thank you for the ask! I don't mind sharing though it's definitely gonna be a long, personal answer. also I laugh every time I see the title written out in full because I deliberately wrote it that way in an attempt to maybe discourage people from reading (don't ask lmao) and it makes me cringe. I should really remove the parentheses, or shorten the title maybe. ahem. anyways.

hhhh okay so I tend to be an oversharer so I will try to tone it down. the less-detailed answer is that I started writing monsters around early August 2022 I think? towards the beginning of that year I had two friendships blow up, the important one being the one with my bestie where our problems had been building for two years.

then in June the stomach problems I'd been having on and off since late 2019 that my doctor dismissed blew up, like "pain so bad for three days until I broke down and asked my mom to take me to urgent care and they sent me to the ER" blew up. which led to constant medical appointments and "throw medications at the wall and see what sticks" approaches, because nobody could find anything wrong with me. scans and tests kept coming back normal. I also had some separate health problems crop up during this point which just worsened things.

it is also notable that I'd been trying to move to Japan and teach English, which my stomach problems forced me to give up on, and that hurt a lot too.

so, yeah, basically mad depression over everything, I found myself feeling suicidal, and like. I have a past attempt. the mental hospital I got forced into for four days nearly killed me. that's not an exaggeration. I passed out and stopped breathing because they gave me two clashing medications. I really, really didn't wanna wind up back there if I failed in another attempt, and tbh, I didn't really WANT to make another attempt. but thoughts were in my head and I have no access to mental health care.

so in desperation I turned to fic. I wanted a long, angsty fic set before the game with a suicidal noct and ignis taking care of him, but there were none that I could find. and at this time, I had been working on another ffxv fic since November 2019, it was over 500k and nowhere near being finished (it's not posted anywhere rn except privately for people who are interested, because it's now over 600k and still not finished, send help) and I was. getting a little burnt out lol. so I was like "yeah okay, I can take a break to write something short with noct attempting to kill himself that's just for me"

I wrote it in my private just-for-me discord server. I had nothing specific in mind, I just started writing and let the words take me wherever they wanted. it was still largely the first chapter of monsters that is posted now, except there was no ignoct. when it was done, I shared it with the not-bestie, who loved it and then said something about how "if ignis hadn't shown up when he did then noct would have died and how would Ignis have felt coming in to yell at noct only to find him dead" and that they wanted to see Ignis have a nightmare about that.

I had already been on the fence about whether I wanted to write more, because I'd wanted more comfort than what I'd written and I also wanted to have Ignis find a note from noct, but I still had other fic to work on, but the not-bestie wanting a nightmare made me decide to at least (probably) write a second part.

I didn't, though, for like a month? I went back to the other fic. don't remember why I picked up monsters again, probably just still struggling with thoughts. I polished the first chapter and added a bit to make it ignoct, then I wrote out the second chapter with Ignis finding the note and the third chapter with him having the nightmare, then I kept going with noct being in the hospital and by that point a rough semblance of a plot idea was starting to form, so I decided to keep going and see where it took me.

that is probably about the point where my rocky frienship with the not-bestie started inspiring/influencing the fic. because I was talking with them a lot, but we weren't okay and we both knew it and it upset me. though to be clear, noct and iggy's messed up frienship is nothing like mine, I gave them their own problems, but it still felt really cathartic to write something where they weren't okay for a long time.

so yeah, the really really short answer is "I was fucked up and my most meaningful (but platonic) friendship was fucked up and it inspired me to write a fic where noct and ignis were fucked up (but still gay for each other) and then it just kept going" (:

also, bonus question... the stargazing at the sky walk scene is my overall fave, but I'm not sure that counts as enough comfort, so I'll say the scene at the end of chapter 31, where noct asks ignis what it was like for him when he walked in on noct's attempt. because they're both so touchy-feely and vulnerable and intimate and for all ignis' denial about their relationship, he knows, THEY know, they know they know, and also for a fic that is largely about ignis comforting/supporting noct, I love that noct is the one doing the primary comforting and supporting in that scene. it was so lovely to write.

I think this answer is too long. sorry 💀

[fangbangerghoul]

✨Writing Interview Tag Game✨

Tagged the other day by @roguishcat Sorry this is so late I turned off my notifications at the start of my semester. I've been really stressed lately.

When did you start writing?

Kindergarten. Jk. Um...fanfiction? 2007/08? It was personal writing with a friend in a bunch of notebooks. Didn't start posting till 2022 when The Batman came out. (dont look into this fact)

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I almost exclusively read Vampire/fantasy Romance. So, there is a difference. There have been a few books outside of that category I tackle but its normally related to my college work. I do think those horror/goth themes seep into my writing.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I do not think my writing has been compared to any other writing, at least not to me directly. I do really love the world building Charlaine Harris created. It is so lovely and to be able to write such an addicting 13 book series is something I hope to achieve as well.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I'm lazy so here's a picture:

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

It used to be absorbing other content by other artists but lately I couldn't tell you. I've been considering quitting writing for some time because I just don't enjoy it as much as I was.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

Yes, angry violent woman. No it does not surprise me. There have been some themes of sexual assault and abandonment. Also doesn't surprise me.

What is your reason for writing?

Community. When I started writing in 2007/08 it was with a friend and the comradery filled a need I didn't have. I started again last year and found some community. It was great for the time being. Now I am not sure. I know most people say you should write for yourself but being a depressed person since the age of 9 it hard to center yourself like that. Another reason I am thinking about just quitting for some time at least till I find that spark again or reason.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

When the parts I had the most fun writing get complimented. I also appreciate the comments that pull favorite quotes. They are really wholesome and make me feel like my writing is appreciated.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I am okay with being the writer of the story that lives rent free in the back of your mind because it had such a mind-blowing event. Or maybe just a story that is thought of fondly occasionally.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Perhaps character psychology?

How do you feel about your own writing?

Right now, I am not my biggest fan but that's okay. I really wish I had a more poetic approach to writing or at least better with descriptions. I worry sometimes my writing is all events and no emotion.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

Though my reason for writing is community at the end of the day when I can write I try to focus on stories I will enjoy or need to get off my chest. There have been a few fics in the past I wrote solely for mutuals, and I do not mind doing that because it brings me a lot of joy to create for others.

(I know some of the answers may have sounded a little sad. I want to clarify I am not looking for sympathy this is just truly how I feel at the time being and that is okay. I am okay with it.)

Tagging with no obligation:

@bearlytolerant @interplanet--janet @staticpallour @lisa-and-shadow @therealgchu

@soloavengers @arisenreborn @dryad-of-the-dogwood @eridanidreams @kimberbohwrites

[ghosdeds]

Soooo I just found this in my drafts funnily enough — I wrote it before the second season came out so I guess sometimes in late 2022/early 2023. Back when I was (foolishly) hopeful for season 2 and honestly I might make something out of it and get to writing.

-

How, in my opinion, they can salvage the ‘call me Aleksander’ scene : flashbacks of moments between the Darkling and Alina that we’ve never seen before (the deleted scenes!!! More of Alina’s life at the Little Palace please thanks), prior to the unfortunate name reveal, shown to us one by one as Alina grieve for what could have been and for the man she’s come to almost love. Mal calling him by his name and Alina immediately snapping at him not to say it aloud, with us the audience realizing that she feels guilty over sharing this last confidence she’s gotten from him. The Darkling letting her know, very bitterly, that she’s made him feel .. human (not in so many words, ‘course), that he thought he’d finally found the one who’ll accept and understand him, his one true equal, that he believed for a second that he’ll never be alone again, and him looking back at her and telling her he’s been unfortunately mistaken, that it was a weakness on his part - I put my trust in a girl who cannot stand the thought of her own potential - and that he’ll never even think of trusting her ever again, with her yelling back that he never really did, did he, that his flowery words meant nothing because it wasn’t enough, that he’s never given them a chance, that he shouldn’t delude his actions for what they are to ease his own guilty conscience, and that she’s the one who’s never going to trust him again. And then we have the Darkling responding that she never did, either, because she ran off without hearing his side of the story. We see them glaring down at each other, the echoes of the proud, hurtful words barring them from adding more, then the Darkling disappears and she’s left alone with her dark thoughts. We get the ‘you betrayed me’ as well as the ‘all men can be made fools’ line from Aleksander. We get a ‘I was merciful’ moment from the Darkling, after he threatens Mal’s life. We get the ‘I want you to know my name, will you have it?’ line in a different way, maybe a ‘I want you to know my story, will you hear it, Alina?’ and him telling her about the events in the Demon in the Wood, and us being shown them, of course, and more - how he came to be an ever present member of Ravka’s court and the founder of the second army, how badly the Grishas were treated and are treated even now. I want him to tell her about his past lives. If he obviously trusts her enough to tell her the name tattooed on his heart, he trusts her enough to tell her all that’s happened to him, to make her understand that not all things are black and white, that it was for the greater good, for them, and when he realizes that she can’t see past his wrongdoings, we see his anger. How dare she judge him when she’s abandoned Ravka for a peaceful life with Mal? When she’s betrayed him?

Season 2 do not fail me I want the best angst ever written, please. Let Alina find out Aleksander destroyed Novokribirsk because they were actively trying to assassinate her and that he wasn’t lying on that front, it’s interesting to see her conflicted emotions at war. I want a lovers to tragic obsessive enemies. I want misunderstandings, with the frustrating realization that they’ll never talk about anything without making it worse. But I also want Alina to realize that the Darkling is the extreme, that what he is fighting for might have started as a good cause, but that he lost himself centuries-of-persecution earlier. I want her to learn from his mistakes. To see in him a version of herself that she might become, should she forget herself. Overall I just want to see her fight for her people and become BAMF. Ughhh so many thoughts

[twistedshipper]

"Arthur doesn't know how it begins"

Of the wips I mentioned, this one is the one without a proper title (it's just saved as the first line I wrote) and the one that is literally just straight up porn without (much) plot inspired from the fic, Critical Period, and Ethel Cain's song 'Inbred.'

I started it, I believe, in the late fall of 2022 when the idea struck me, except never found the inspiration to finish it (mainly because I don't think I'm skilled enough as a writer to pull the idea off).

The fic is from Arthur's perspective and follows him over the years as he develops a rather perverse obsession with his elder (by a couple years) sister Morgana, whom is sequestered to her chambers day in and out for a strange mental affliction that Arthur overhears the court physician name to their father hysteria.

Over the years, Gaius treats Morgana with many potions and sedatives to aid her sleep and it's in these moments when Morgana is knocked out cold that Arthur observes her in her room to placate the need that her writhing body stirs in him.

That's basically it. I'll leave a snippet down below from the beginning of it:

Arthur does not know how it begins, per se, only how it ends with him doing everything in his power to stop the need, placate the wanting, even as it tears through him from the inside out, rendering him inept in what is a rather base act. 

There was always something so alluring, so provocative about his sister, Morgana.

Ever since he was little, he recalled the visits the Court Physician gave her at the request of their father, that she be seen too for an odd peculiarity, something he had once overheard as he crouched outside the doors to the nursery they shared, trying his best to be invisible, that was spoken of as an illness of her mind. 

He did not know what this in truth meant, only that she struggled with her sleep, tossing and turning in their children’s bed, her limbs twisted, back arched, a wail escaping her lips.  He remembered waking, startled, beside her from such nights and it was not long before his father arranged for him to have a room of his own away from her side.

Though he had been scared of her in those few moments he witnessed her twisted-up body, so lithe and contorted in the wrapped sheets, he had still felt a curiosity for her condition, which only grew to what could only be described as perverse with time.

He had been a boy of seven then, Morgana a week shy of turning nine.

Thanks for asking me to share about this fic. Maybe, I'll get around to finishing it someday. @the-king-and-the-druidess also asked me about this fic, and I think, Kristya, this fic was also a result of me trying to write from Arthur's perspective (after our conversation about dark!Arthur) for a change as opposed to Morgana, as in SL I write most of the scenes from her perspective when it comes to her unnatural feelings for Arthur.

[cozmic-ash]

I am, as usual, late lol, but Y'KNOW. This is gonna be a long, rambly post lol, sorry, I have a lot of thoughts.

2023 was a weird year for me, artwise. When it began I was still deep in my Art Block From Hell, which had begun in mid-2021 and lasted the entirety of 2022.

Being in the thick of such a ridiculously suffocating art block, for TWO AND A HALF YEARS, is like... I can't describe how fucking life-draining it is. It felt like something was fundamentally wrong with me -- like a part of me, which used to be as effortless as breathing or blinking my eyes, had ceased to function altogether. It wasn't just a regular art block, it was a complete identity crisis. I could no longer trust the instincts I'd honed over twenty-plus years, could no longer trust my sense of observation or my ability to recreate what I saw. I felt BROKEN, and every single time I picked up my tablet pen it was like I was scraping my insides with a spoon, trying to pick up whatever tiny dregs of dried-up, crusty shit I could manage to puke up onto my canvas. It was fucking painful and humiliating and completely demoralizing.

I'm not really sure what finally got me to do so, but sometime in summer (my memory is shit lol) I downloaded Game Maker, found a video tutorial on youtube, and just... gave myself over to it. I made myself learn how to use Aseprite, and working with pixels, making teeny-tiny little sprites, forced me to work in ways I usually don't. It was a lot harder for me to find the flaws in my art when my art was thirty-five pixels tall and the anatomy was stylized to communicate clear information rather than be a recreation or approximation of reality. I think I really do credit that time working on game dev as the thing that finally cracked loose all the gunk that was keeping me stuck -- I could not perpetuate the cycle of toxicity I'd fallen into because I could barely even conceptualize what 'good' or 'bad' pixel art even looked like lol. I just knew that I was making art, and for the first time in two years, it didn't feel like I was having to desperately beg the emaciated husks of my sense of self-worth and confidence to cooperate while doing so.

(I actually sort of abandoned my foray into game dev around August/September lol, as my adhd-brain, flitting around like a little hummingbird to every dopamine-rich-flower, is wont to do 🥲 But I wanna get back into it at some point!)

From there I had a rush of inspiration for an original project I've been mulling around in my head for years, and I wrote thousands of words in my worldbuilding document, made a map, developed the shell of a possible actual STORY. I returned to sketching. Conventional sketching. It was, at first, largely still comprised of that same demotivating struggle against myself, but I was so deep in the throes of inspiration (after several years of this project laying dormant in my google drive) that I NEEDED to sketch. So I kept going. And after a while, it got....... easier. And I started hating everything I made a little less. I painted, properly, for the first time in years. I stayed up late into the night, even if it meant I would be tired at work the next day, because drawing felt so damn GOOD again and I had missed that feeling so much. All I wanted to do was draw. For the first time in two and a half years, I could finally see the light at the end of the fucking tunnel.

I still don't think I'm quite out of the woods yet. My style is changing, as all artists' styles do over time, and that comes with stumbling adjustments. My confidence is still small and shaky and recovering; I still catch myself second-guessing what I've drawn, and even looking at some of the things here on my grid makes me cringe a little bit for one reason or another.

But compared to both 2021 and 2022, the volume of art, and in particular the volume of art I don't actively despise, is WAY higher, and I'm really really hopeful that that means I'm finding my footing again.

So! Here's to 2024, and to continuing to move towards the light at the end of the tunnel 🙏🌟 I'm gonna try.

[magicalmischel]

Hiiii!! For the WIP game: please tell me about Layers of Dusk and also obviously Suddenly Flames Everywhere 👀👀 And also the trans!Merlin fic if you're up for it because I know you've been working on that one lately and I'm VERY curious about it 👀👀👀😘

hiiii! 💖 thanks for asking about all of them!! 😂💖 I'll give you the summaries and snippets!

Layers of Dusk

this one is so "old" that I even made a fic cover for it to post on fanfiction.net but obviously that never happened 😂 also my draft included very bad fanart so maybe when i get back to this wip I could make better art now that I have more practice <3

summary:

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Arthur is dying and Merlin is left with no choice but to take his soul into his body and hope that they both last long enough to perform a necromancy spell. This requires sacrifices, and Merlin will have to learn that sometimes, going too far is not worth it.

I remember I stopped bc I got stuck on a scene with Gaius (or was it Gwen??) one day and I just never continued. I also wasn't sure about the fic's message, bc I felt like it should have a sad ending so that Merlin learns a lesson but also at the same time I really wanted to write a happy ending and I just didn't know what to do basically 😂

snippet:

“O drakon! E male so ftengometta! Tesd’hup’anankes!” The words echo through the silent woods and through Merlin’s mind like a steady, painful reminder of what had happened. He keeps holding onto Arthur -- both his body and his consciousness -- and he finds himself almost unaware of his surroundings, as if trapped in a daze of realization that he was indeed holding Arthur’s dead body. He didn’t dare look down at him. He couldn’t. But he took Arthur’s hand and entwined their fingers, willing himself to believe that the dragon would have a solution. Something difficult, no doubt, but very possible that would fix all this. Merlin didn’t care about the consequences. Oh god. Oh. Arthur’s hand was cold.

oh look a classic case of switching tenses halfway through a scene lmao

Suddenly Flames Everywhere

ajksfljals this fic 😭 the idea was born in summer of 2022, and I wrote the first scene then. Then it lay forgotten until I picked it up for acbb 2023 and I spent the entire summer working on it every single day, I wrote the first draft in a month, then started rewriting the whole thing and that's where I got stuck ;-; I'm "working" now on scene 18 out of 33, so I'm around in the middle of it.

summary:

It all starts with a deal. Arthur will capture the last of the dragons, and in exchange, Uther will give him more time to search for his soulmate. He won’t have to marry princess Elena when she arrives in a few days. Little does Arthur know that the dragon he shoots down is actually a young dragon-man called Merlin, and more importantly — his soulmate. It only gets more complicated from there.

and a snippet:

Only it wasn’t a dragon at all. It looked like a man. Arthur’s eyes widened, his grip on the crossbow faltering. The creature had two large, featherless, dark grey wings, and a long tail. No doubt that it wasn’t human. But it also had a human head. And human hair. Human legs, arms, even human clothes. “That’s no dragon,” he hissed. “It’s Dragonfolk,” Sir Kay whispered back, his crossbow still aimed firmly upwards. “They serve the dragons. Live like animals in small groups. Just as dangerous as the foul beasts themselves, I assure you.”

trans!merlin fic

yep this is the one I'm working on now 💖 Honestly it wasn't going to be published at first, I just had a dream where I was trans!merlin three months ago and woke up inspired and bc I was in the middle of a writer's block, I was very excited about it and wrote the whole first draft in one day. Then I forgot about it for several weeks, then I edited it, hated it, left it alone again, and I re-edited it about three weeks ago and decided I should maybe try to post it, so I reached out and found a few sensitivity readers who gave me some notes and now I'm adding scenes and editing the whole thing again 💖

it doesn't really have a big plot or anything unlike my other wips, the summary basically is just this:

In the medieval world where there are no lgbt resources or language to talk about lgbt topics, this fic depicts Merlin’s journey from realising he’s trans, to coming out to Arthur, and transitioning with the help of magic.

not gonna provide a snippet for this one just yet, but hopefully it should be posted within like . . . a month or two? Depending on how much I procrastinate lmao

thanks so much for asking again! 🥰 and sorry for replying with so much text, you know I talk a lot 😂

[caltropspress]

RAPS + CRAFTS #30: blackchai

1. Introduce yourself. Past projects? Current projects?

Ayoo, I go by the name of blackchai, preferably stylized in all lowercase. I started out rapping under the name JinSol, but I think I scrubbed 98% of that shit off the internet. I’m based in Brooklyn, but I grew up a little outside NYC in Putnam County. I’ve been releasing as blackchai since either late 2019 or early 2020 - I forget exactly. I put out my first EP titled No Expectation in August 2020. My first full length titled Time & A Place came out April 2022, followed by 2 EPs A Momentary Lapse in October 2022, and SECOND WIND produced entirely by my good friend/collaborator, a haunted house, in January 2023. My most recent release as of right now is my album Year Wandering which released March 2024. My next album OTHERWISE A BLUR is set to release September 6th and that is fully produced by August Fanon, who has also been a friend of mine since before we even started making music together.

2. Where do you write? Do you have a routine time you write? Do you discipline yourself, or just let the words come when they will? Do you typically write on a daily basis?

I find it easiest to write in the comfort of my bedroom. I work best in solitude. Over the years I have usually written the majority of my stuff late at night, but lately I’ve found I have better ideas in the morning before the day has a chance to influence my mind state. 

I’m a notoriously slow writer as in I can probably count on less than two hands how many verses I’ve written in a single sitting, but lately I’ve been trying to push myself to write faster without second guessing myself or losing my attention span, and it’s been working somewhat.

I find that I kind of go back and forth with how disciplined I am in terms of writing every day, but I prefer to always be in a constant state of having “something” that I’m working on, even if I don’t make daily progress. The only time I don’t have an unfinished verse on my plate is if I’m doing an album rollout or in the mixing process or something like that. Not being in the middle of some kind of creative process gives me really bad anxiety.

3. What’s your medium—pen and paper, laptop, on your phone? Or do you compose a verse in your head and keep it there until it’s time to record?

When I started rapping it was all pen and paper, but I have horrible handwriting as well as horrible eyesight so it’s been strictly Notes app for the past few years. There are some things I’ve done in my head and wrote down later, but usually like 4-8 bars. Nothing crazy. My short term memory is unfortunately very compromised at this point in my weed smoking career.

4. Do you write in bars, or is it more disorganized than that?

I kind of write in spaced out lines depending on how connected each phrase is to the previous one. I use a lot of my own shorthand to signify pauses and things like that, but sometimes I don’t really solidify the way I’m going to rap the verse until I’m actually recording. It’s a lot easier to rap without breathing when reciting under your breath than when trying to project into a mic. When I started, I would just write in a big paragraph, but I kept losing my place. I used to be able to memorize my verses before recording. but my style has developed into a very stream-of-consciousness word soup sort of thing, so now I don’t usually have anything locked in until after it’s recorded.

5. How long into writing a verse or a song do you know it’s not working out the way you had in mind? Do you trash the material forever, or do you keep the discarded material to be reworked later?

If it doesn’t start out strong, typically I’ll scrap it and start over. Either that or if I write like half a verse then don’t come back to it until days later I can’t pick up the same energy and struggle trying to actually end the thing and it just goes on for way too long and feels redundant. I am a big believer in recycling lines for future use. Sometimes it’ll just be one phrase that I know I need to be a part of a verse. I just need the right beat or placement or whatever. But very rarely do I ever fully delete something. There's always some gold nuggets in a subpar verse.

6. Have you engaged with any other type of writing, whether presently or in the past? Fiction? Poetry? Playwriting? If so, how has that mode influenced your songwriting?

So my first girlfriend in high school was a writer. She was writing a novel when we were like fifteen. I’ve always admired people who can write in more traditional structures, but I just don’t possess that skill set. I never knew how to write essays that sounded natural in English class. I always felt like I couldn’t break away from that rigid template they give you when you’re in elementary school. That’s why I really like writing raps. I get to be a writer without having to care about the rules. As a rapper, you can fully disregard grammar, you can make words up, etc. I learned all that studying people like Ghostface Killah and Vordul Mega. But growing up I was definitely reading earlier than a lot of kids my age, and as an adult I really appreciate people like Cormac McCarthy and Tolkien and people like that. They write so descriptively it’s amazing, and I try to take some influence from that in the way I write raps.

7. How much editing do you do after initially writing a verse/song? Do you labor over verses, working on them over a long period of time, or do you start and finish a piece in a quick burst?

I don’t necessarily labor but definitely the past few years as I’ve been taking this more seriously I’ve put in extra effort to edit my lyrics. Especially because my flow is in such weird pockets sometimes, I have to be really specific about how I say some things so I don’t get lost in the beat. Anything from rearranging bars to fully rewriting some things.

8. Do you write to a beat, or do you adjust and tweak lyrics to fit a beat?

Most of the time I write to a beat. Sometimes I’ll have a few lyrics in my head that I think of while walking, taking the train, etc. Recently I’ve been writing one verse while switching between beats. It helps when I start to feel like I’m losing momentum. The beat usually tells you what it wants and sometimes my ideas clash with that, so it takes some searching to finesse the formula. Sometimes I’ll have an old verse I never did anything with and I’ll get a new beat and it just fits perfectly. But I don’t do it in the same way Talib Kweli apparently used to do. I'm not tryna rap super fast and sound crazy just to get a verse off.

9. What dictates the direction of your lyrics? Are you led by an idea or topic you have in mind beforehand? Is it stream-of-consciousness? Is what you come up with determined by the constraint of the rhymes?

I don’t typically write songs about any singular thing. Sometimes it’s a general vibe and I’ll address multiple things that kind of fit that idea even if they’re not directly related, and sometimes I’m just rapping and making references to anime and things I think are cool. I try not to let it get too jarring content-wise, but at the same time I’m a self-proclaimed student of Ghostface, so I don’t care too much if people don’t get it. I’ve definitely been told I’m very stream-of-consciousness by multiple people. I’d say in general the average blackchai song has sprinkles of Marxism, anime references, interpolations of 90s rap lyrics, and just general ruminations on the way I navigate through life and things I observe on a daily basis. And then all the blank spaces are filled with slang or just general “talking my shit” rapper guy stuff. Nothing too crazy. But I definitely do want to put in the effort in the future to write more concentrated songs. I don’t want to be a one trick pony, especially now that I’m getting more optics as an artist.

10. Do you like to experiment with different forms and rhyme schemes, or do you keep your bars free and flexible?

I go through phases. I think the thing that comes most naturally to me is flow, so that is usually the thing I like to experiment with the most. I’ve been in a very rapid fire kind of bag for a minute, which is a lot of fun. I did a lot of features just rapping super fast this past year. I also am a big fan of writing non-rhymes or ending bars with words that don’t rhyme. I know a lot of people, mostly older heads, hate that style these days along with the drumless beats and all that, but it’s where I feel I shine the most and can be the most creative. I rap mostly over loops, so there’s less constraints with the way I can actually land my rhymes and everything. But like I said before, the beat usually tells me what it needs. Lyrics are the tougher part for me.

11. What’s a verse you’re particularly proud of, one where you met the vision for what you desire to do with your lyrics?

One of the bonus tracks off Year Wandering titled “All For The Win." The album itself was largely inspired by the manga Vagabond and the themes explored in that and the song kind of encapsulates that. There’s a throughline that I repeat that goes “From preoccupied with the leaves to invincible under the sun,” which is nearly a direct quote from the manga and basically the whole theme of Musashi Miyamoto's character journey as well as my own kind of declaration of artistic growth. Where I’ve been and where I want to be. Reflecting upon being some kid writing horrible rhymes in my mom's living room to working with people I’ve been a fan of for years and having people tell me I’m their favorite rapper. I just think this is the best example of me mixing contemplative ideas right next to my usual brand of non-sequitur lyricism. Plus a really dope reference to Cannibal Ox that is just so much fun to rap on stage.

The usual intent’s not a spectacle the proof’s in the outcome I’m counting flaws to strike a healthy balance From preoccupied with the leaves to invincible under the sun Contemplating parts of myself that’s hard to face Placating the anger that’s building up from day to day Made a wish, made a plan  Sometimes it’s an aim and a miss but gained an understanding regardless My heart’s a big lender Depart with less than what I need to fill the chest up Blades drawn like a breath  Duress often but can’t halt the flesh  It’s the best of times Measure my regrets next to gratitude it’s too many hard questions Not enough in mind to concentrate Binded by fate with my brothers  Keep it in conversation Fuck a wait list I hate wasting time more than most things in my peripheral  Direct line of sight manifesting pictures from a past life Tryna simply grab it, inhabit the space I’m happy to play a part pondering til the dark divide Niggas is wildin’ I think you better find yourself - before you get ejected from the deep end My shell monumental mechanical found ghost Effortless like a cold reservoir of blood in the vessel Known unknowns  It’s the presence of ancestors weaponizing the mental Head in the sky Treasure refinement  It’s no sweat  Don’t hold me on shit I never said that’s my only lesson to give at the moment Pay attention Unsteady on the way in the present’s a testament to resolve My whole body and soul get the message Surrender control? Probably not It’s dark and Hell is hot as the block in the dead of winter Sounds like a personal problem you probably deserve it dawg Don’t make me call it off it’s all for the win You probably deserve it dawg Usual intent’s not a spectacle the proof’s in the outcome I’m counting flaws to strike a healthy balance From preoccupied with the leaves to invincible under the sun

12. Can you pick a favorite bar of yours and describe the genesis of it?

Off the song “Feed The Land” from Year Wandering:

High risk high reward Formula been tired no time to react $30 til the next check what we scrambling? Don’t take it for granted like God gave up the answers Feed The Land

I really like this one because it’s one of the more straightforward things I’ve ever written. I was literally in my kitchen making an egg scramble of random things in my fridge because I was broke and couldn’t afford to buy food until my next check. Very simple but I remember every detail and it was just a very real relatable thing. Nothing esoteric about it, just struggle turned into art.

13. Do you feel strongly one way or another about punch-ins? Will you whittle a bar down in order to account for breath control, or are you comfortable punching-in so you don’t have to sacrifice any words?

I don’t do them personally, mostly just because I usually record by myself and it’s annoying to do. But I don’t have an issue with them as a stylistic choice. There’s plenty of punch-ins on like Only Built 4 Cuba Linx, Ironman, Funcrusher Plus, etc. I like to be able to actually rap my own stuff live though. I hate the whole “live show karaoke” thing. Especially in the underground scene. Maybe I’d do them if I had a hypeman or something.

14. What non-hiphop material do you turn to for inspiration? What non-music has influenced your work recently?

I mentioned before I like to interpolate lyrics from a lot of 90s rap, but I do this tenfold with rock music. I played guitar before I started rapping and played in a few bands, so I am super pretentious about indie rock/emo/punk etc. I really don’t listen to a lot of rap when I’m writing. At least not a large variety. I’ll usually hyperfixate on one or two rap albums at a time when creating because I don’t want to be influenced too much in that way, but I’ll bump a huge variety of guitar music. 

Like when I was writing Time & A Place the only rap album I was listening to was OB4CL, but I was also listening to a ton of Jawbreaker, Cloud Nothings, Rilo Kiley, Mannequin Pussy, and this Japanese band Number Girl. And when I was writing OTHERWISE A BLUR the only rap I was listening to was like 2016-2017 Mach-Hommy, but I spent most days listening to Interpol and these random obscure indie bands with like 200 Spotify listeners. 

I’m also in the middle of reading Blood Meridian. Other than that, my main non-music inspirations/influences are just whatever shows I’m watching. I watch The Sopranos about four times a year, so that's a permanent fixture and source of reference. I just rewatched YuYu Hakusho. And then whatever communist/leftist literature I’ve read will pop up now and again. Obviously some Marxist stuff, Kwame Ture, Malcolm X, Huey Newton, etc. but I wouldn’t call myself a thoroughly read or educated person in that regard.

15. Writers are often saddled with self-doubt. Do you struggle to like your own shit, or does it all sound dope to you?

I didn’t like anything about my own music until like my last two projects, for the most part. I hated my voice. I took a long time getting comfortable on the mic. Things like that. But I feel like I’ve really started to feel and sound like the artist I’ve always wanted to be. Going back to my older stuff, now I see the merit in it, but at the time I hated almost everything I put out by the time I put it out. I really love this next album I’m about to drop though. I also made it in a significantly shorter timeframe than anything else I’ve done, so I haven’t had the chance to grow to hate it.

16. Who’s a rapper you listen to with such a distinguishable style that you need to resist the urge to imitate them?

Definitely billy woods and E L U C I D. I’m a huge fan, and they both have definitely influenced me a ton, but sometimes I stop myself from listening to Armand Hammer while I’m making stuff. Especially while making this record with August Fanon - haha. Aside from them, I’d say a lot of people in the scene in New York right now. Like people I see at shows and know personally. Like it’s one thing to subconsciously bite a rapper that you know from a distance, but when it comes to people who are closer to your level or whatever, you want to kind of maintain a sense of friendly competition. I like the idea of everyone having their own style. It’s like super powers. Spider-Man and Human Torch are homies, but they can’t do what the other does.

17. Do you have an agenda as an artist? Are there overarching concerns you want to communicate to the listener?

When I was a child I think the first thing I ever wanted for my future was to be an artist. I don’t even know why or what kind of artist I wanted to be. I just liked things like that. I also wanted to be a ninja. Presently, I just want to make a mark and be a part of rap-lore. When I started rapping, one of the more formative influences for me was The Juggaknots but I’ve never met anybody outside of hardcore rap nerds who even know who they are, but Breeze is like the best rapper ever. If I can do that for some kid 20 years from now, that’d be crazy. 

Obviously the deeper I get into this and the more things I accomplish that I never thought possible there will be more things I strive to achieve, but my initial goal was just to be a dope rapper who other rappers think is dope and just do cool shit because I can put words together in a cool and interesting way. And I kind of feel like I finally opened the door for that possibility. I can’t go to a show in New York without running into someone I know through music. I’ve even been recognized by strangers a couple times in the crowd of billy woods shows and stuff, which is really insane, and kind of weird.

There’s messages and beliefs I have that I put into my music, but I was never someone who wanted to make political music or anything like that. It’s a good gateway, but I’m not a professor. You can learn a lot more about revolutionary politics by reading books than from listening to Public Enemy, but a lot of people probably didn’t even form an interest in black leftist politics until Chuck D screamed into their ear about the Black Panthers. I suffer from really bad depression and anxiety. I wouldn’t feel comfortable counseling someone on their own mental health issues, but maybe my music might inspire someone to take action for themselves. Just having a positive tangible effect on people is really all you can hope for.

RAPS + CRAFTS is a series of questions posed to rappers about their craft and process. It is designed to give respect and credit to their engagement with the art of songwriting. The format is inspired, in part, by Rob McLennan’s 12 or 20 interview series.

Photo credit: E. Fortson

[biscdraws]

Just realised I never uploaded my 2023 art summary here…better late than never. I don’t know if I improved from 2022 at all but I guarantee that my 2024 summary will also be bobcut nation.

In April I was busy and also in Japan for half of it so didn’t have time to draw anything except the 10 second Cygnus doodle from my order form for the Cygnus drink at Bar Masaya.

And since I never posted that on tumblr I’ll post that too cos it’s cute:

Bar Masaya is one of now many such bars that make ‘image cocktails(/mocktails)’ based on a character or even a ship - including OCs! You get an order sheet to write about the character - what they look like, their image colours and motifs, what their personality is like and what you like about them - and the talented bartender will create a drink based on that - using not just the flavours and appearance of the ingredients but even the shape and size of the glass. You can also choose the level of alcohol and any flavours you don’t want. If you have decent Japanese writing (for the order sheet)and listening comprehension (for the bartender’s explanation of the drink) skills, (or a friend who can translate) I really recommend it. Ever since I found out about it a few years back I’ve wanted to know what the Cygnus drink would be, and I finally got to find out!

What I wrote was kinda a convoluted mess (I should have prepared it in advance, to be honest), but here is the Cygnus drink. I don’t drink so I went for a mocktail, and this is the description the bartender gave me based on my order sheet, as best as I remember: The glass is small but elegant, and the stirring rod (feather shaped, to reference his swan motif) stands up proudly. There’s a bitter grapefruit base to reference his difficult personality, with the fancy blue colouring that is lighter towards the top. At the bottom there is a deep, dark violet - this represents how lonely he actually is, and it’s where all the sweetness is hidden. Throughout the whole drink there’s also a lemon kick to reference the gap between the haughty front he puts on and that loneliness.

I’m not a big grapefruit fan (I actually meant to put it as a flavour I don’t want, but I forgot), but the added sweetness really helped and it was a nice drink overall and I’m impressed they got something fitting out of my word vomit. Next time I definitely want to try Dominic.

The little standee I ordered off pixiv factory a bit before this.

[squarebracket-trickster]

Happy STS! Since you're on the second draft of ur WIP, how was the progress of the first draft? What are some things you learned during it? What is something you would do differently for your next first draft?

It's so rare to see a writeblr going through revisions and i find your commentary very inspiring. One day i too will be telling myself to leave the sentence be for another draft LOLLL

Oooh I love this question so goddamn much!!! (well, ig it's sort of two? three? questions.) I had so much fun answering this<3333 It was an excellent chance at reflection.

How was the progress of the first draft?

(lol I did not intend for my answer to be this long but it just kept going. But I like the idea of being very transparent about the journey because I hear a lot of nice, summed up "one day I sat down and wrote a novel, the next month I had a manuscript and started querying" stories and I think that can be really invalidating for people for whom the journey isn't that smooth if that is the only narrative you hear.)

I think I came up with the story idea some time in 2019. It was one of those, "princess runs away from an arranged marriage but [redacted due to spoilers]" concepts but at the time I was worldbuilding for other things so I put it aside for later.

About a year later, when I had not made much progress on my other WIPs (due to not having enough worldbuilding ideas to carry a fantasy or sci-fi story and banging my head against a wall trying to think up something I was happy with), I decided, ah what the hell, I'll try this instead.

I picked it because it was a simple concept--an idea fit for a standalone novel on the shorter end, with a fairly small setting and requiring little worldbuilding. It seemed like it would be good practice before I seriously tackled my more ambitious WIPs.

It still took a while to actually get writing. I tried three or four times to make an outline--one was more than 8000 words--and ended up scrapping each of them because when I got to actually writing the scenes I had outlined I found them dry and soulless. I was just going through events that needed to happen but there was no emotion, no humour, no themes, nothing. I tried to write the first chapter once or twice but I started the story too early in the timeline and lost the momentum to keep going. Finally, I wrote a scene somewhere in the middle (the one where Sorin figures out Adris is a girl) and it was the first I was actually happy with. I had fun writing it and then reading it again, and it finally felt like there was some "life" behind the plot I had been failing to outline. I rewrote that scene in both first and third person, decided I liked 1st better, and tried to keep adding to it. Then I had about 3600 words. I wrote another scene near the end (when Isadred and Firnen meet; though I changed this later) and it gave me some direction to work towards.

Then I did not touch the project again for several months.

One day in November of 2021 (NaNoWriMo month but I hadn't heard of it yet) I decided to just go for it and put a bunch of time aside to write like crazy. I started from chapter one and had two rules, 1. Start chapter one as late into the story as possible, and 2. keep it going--don't edit (not even spelling unless it is absolutely critical for me to make sense of later), if I get stuck just jump ahead to the next scene I can write, and if I don't know what happens next just ramble about everything that can't happen until I figure out a situation where that does not apply.

It worked. Really well. The next things I knew (about three weeks in) I had roughly 48 000 words. Some days I was hitting 13-14 000 words per day. Then I took a break because uni and came back to it in April 2022. Same rules, same deal. Suddenly I had 112 572 words.

I got stuck on the ending. I wrote a few scenes but didn't like them. So I figured I would just call it a finished manuscript, put it aside for a while, and come back to it when the time was right.

About two months ago I thought up part of a better ending while in the shower and a few weeks ago, just before I started the second draft I figured out the rest. So I knew it was time and I went back to it.

What are some things you learned during it?

I had a lot of fun. I laughed a lot at the banter and dramatic irony, I highlighted my favourite lines to look back on later, and I left funny comments for myself in the margins. The weird part was that I was not expecting it to be fun at all. I see so much writing content about how hard writing is and how much writers hate it, especially first drafts, and I have done my share of banging my head against a wall (especially in my other WIPs) but, for me at least, it is one thing to get stuck on a plot point, but if I am finding every single new sentence to be a struggle to get down it is probably because my story has not come to life yet. I am writing too much from a place of "hit each plot point in my outline" and not enough from a place of "you know what would be fun/gut-wrenching/shocking/funny/clever/insightful?".

Believe it or not, the middle section was the most fun to write.

I have also come to believe ardently in these commonly touted morsels of advice:

if your story is losing momentum after only a few chapters you either don't know where you are going with it or you have started too far before the inciting incident.

Name your first draft draft zero, garbage draft, word vomit (or in my case, "idk what the FUCK this it looks pretty cool tho"), and just expect utter garbage.

Don't look back, just keep going. You know that thing in improv where they do the "yes, and..." exercise? Do that.

If you are stuck on what happens next, skip that scene and go to the next. There is a chance you may not even need the scene you were stuck on. Long time skips in the same chapter are allowed.

If you don't know what to write just sit down and start rambling. As long as you know what you are trying to write towards, eventually you'll end up there and you can cut the bloat later.

Know your climatic moment before you start--not your ending, but the big final showdown the story is building to. You don't have to know how it resolves (I didn't figure that out until like six weeks ago) but know who is in your final battle and where it takes place.

Don't research. Don't worldbuild. If you need a piece of information you don't have, write [insert type of medieval ship here] and move on.

What is something you would do differently for your next first draft?

I am honestly not sure on this one... I do wish I was a more skilled writer prose-wise because my first drafts would need a lot less editing later on if descriptive, poetic prose came as naturally to me as dialogue and emotional one-liners. But all I can really do for that is keep practicing.

The only other thing I wished I had done from the start was keep a journal, log, or blog of my progress, and save some of the funny comments and [somehow our two romantic leads have to sword fight their way out of a masquerade ball in this scene while dressed to the nines] notes-in-brackets I left in the draft but went back and deleted later once I actually filled out the scene. Hence the existence of this blog now.

One of these days I would also like to develop a proper writing schedule to make more consistent progress throughout the year (instead of the random sprints of activity followed by months of not touching it that I do now). But between the ADHD and the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I don't know when that will happen.

[wromwood]

BTTF quiz thing

Tagged by @rose-of-pollux. Thanks! Tagging @penny-anna and if anyone else wants to do this, they can!

This year:

How many times would you guess you watched the first back to the future movie?

Does "this year" mean how many times I watched the first movie this year? If so, then.... none, actually. But I was thinking about it a lot! If it's asking how much I've seen the movie over the course of my life, then sooooo many times. Can't think of a way to start counting.

2. Did you get any sweet bttf merch? If so, what!

Again, not this year, but in December of 2022, I got a little BttF skateboard keychain from the merch table of the Back to the Future musical.

3. How many cans of Pepsi Free did you chug this year?

I'm a Coke guy.

4. What was a favorite bttf fanfic you read this year?

Too many to choose from by penny-anna, who wrote so many this past year that I can't decide. Maybe the one where Marty's a borrower.

5. A favorite bttf fanart you saw this year? (please give us a link, not a screencap/repost!)

Honestly, I haven't seen or saved much BttF art. Sorry!

6. Did you create any bttf fanart or fanfic? If you did, what one(s) are you proudest of?

I'm more of a BttF lurker. I did write an extra verse for the "Something About That Boy" song from the BttF musical, but I didn't post it.

7. How many times were you late for work this year?

None. Most of my work was remote, and I was always on time for the work that wasn't.

8. Did you watch any other movies/tv shows with BTTF actors in them?

This year? ... wow, I really can't think of anything.

9. Was there a memorable moment you heard a Huey Lewis song this year?

Ooh, fun question! I'm gonna cheat a bit. This year, I relistened to a whole lot of Weird Al, so to prepare myself for "I Want A New Duck," I re-listened to "I Want a New Drug." I found myself grooving to it because I hadn't heard it in a while.

10. How many times did you fall down this year?

At least once or twice.

11. Did you get to see BTTF: The Musical? What was your experience like?

Yes, in London last December. It was super fun and I was bouncing in my seat by the end. I just wish the rest of my memories of the London trip were as positive.

12. How many times did your mom retell the story of how she and your father met?

None this year. My dad got close to telling the story once or twice.

13. If you could describe your year in a BTTF quote, which one would it be?

"I mean, what if they say I'm no good? What if they say, 'Get outta here, kid, you got no future?' I just don't think I can take that kind of rejection."

14. ⚡️LIGHTNING ROUND⚡️ Did you get to: go on any trains, skate on a skateboard, ride a horse, drive a DeLorean, run in the rain, go to a dance, hang up a clock, play the guitar, pull an all-nighter, read science fiction, or drive thru Burger King this year?

Yes, I went on a train (if you don't count subway trains, at the beginning of 2023, I took a train trip from Edinburgh all the way to Burnley, got driven to Colne, then rode the train back from Colne to Edinburgh). I went to a ceilidh and a couple of theater society dances. I unfortunately pulled my fair share of all-nighters finishing my dissertation. I read some sci-fi, including the first book of the Monk and Robot series just recently.

15. Your future is whatever you make it! So what are you going to make of this coming year?

I'm going to get back into the habit of writing regularly and finish my novel.

[amysnotdeadyet]

2023 in review

Just the fannish creations, thanks. I don't want to think too hard about how fucking weird and stressful the year was outside of that. XD

I found some old 00Q art hiding on my hard drive and posted it in Feb.

I wrote a short Inception ficlet for @ladyprydian in April to try to jumpstart my muses. It didn't work.

I binge-wrote a whole-ass Sandman fic with (gasp!) fade-to-black porn in it in May.

July brought the Stony games! I was much less prolific than last year, but I managed a few things, starting with 3 little drabbles about perception.

I did a giftfic for the games! It starts in media res and I, being a troll, titled it In Pornia Res because yeah, this one's just pure porn against a background of worldbuilding.

I posted a longstanding WIP that was 100% self-indulgent trash, with Tony and Steve getting Bucky as their new sugar baby and treating him them right. Absolutely just the fluffiest of trash, but 66K of it!

I posted another longstanding WIP that's really pre-slash (I KNOW so weird) but involves catboy Tony, catboy Bucky, and a puppy Steve who's gonna get both (after the fic anyway).

My last little Stony Games fill was 8-bit pixel porn, because of course it was.

Later in August I did the "write what you want to see" thing and banged out (heh) a very kinky Stranger Things fic with Steve/Eddie and a leather bar. Somehow, it's still extremely fluffy.

I drew! Fanart! With pens and shit! Also Steve/Eddie.

And then I made pixel art of them, because why not.

Another Steddie fic, this time a modern AU with 'lost touch' feelings and also banging the rockstar in his hotel room.

And finally, my MTH2021 fic is posting a year late, and will continue on into the new year. It's all done and edited, I just like the daily posting method for getting drip-fed dopamine and also sitting there posting 29 chapters at once is no bueno.

You can find all of this stuff here, so I'm not link-stuffing the post: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swtalmnd/works

What's Coming in 2024 (besides my blorbos)

I have a few more Stuckony WIPs waiting in the wings, including my MTH 2022 fic, which I hope to finish in time to actually participate in 2024.

I have at least 1 novel coming out and maybe 2? I didn't publish ANY original fiction last year (gah), but I finished 1 draft (the sequel to Hive) and am plodding along on 2 more (Julian 4 and something new). I am so slow these days, tho, gah. I have no idea how some people put out multiple books a year, year after year.

I've got a few more Eeveeon arts to share, which I always forget to do on Tumbls.

I might actually open commissions next year (for art, I don't enjoy fic commissions).

I'm gonna a Stuckony Valentine thing, so you'll get at least one short fic from me in Feb.

I'm hoping something new will sweep me into its fandomy arms, because while I do love my current blorbos (MCU & Stranger Things), neither one is really doing the full fixation dance in my brain and that's sad. OTOH I'd like to finish my MCU WIPs before that spark fully dies ahahaha haha ha.

As far as art goes, I'm keeping up my Patreon sketch cards and not a ton else, but my new-new meds are helping me Get Shit Done, so I'm really hoping that I can get back into larger-than-a-playing-card artwork, both fannish and non.

I'm still gonna do more of my 8-bit bullshit, though.

[singlecrow]

Hello!! 3, 10, and 30 if you haven't answered them already~

hi Remy!!

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

a girl wild and unwished for. This is the story I usually call my lithium story, a MASH fic where Sidney places Hawkeye into a lithium clinical trial in late-1950s New York. It’s a story about serious mental illness, and the choices you make in order to maintain your selfhood. It’s also a story about nuclear anxiety, about the Cold War, about gender and—surprise—friendship. It does have some jokes in it. The reason I’m proud of it, I guess, is that I think it stands up as a work of historical fiction, that takes some people on their own terms in their own time. The story is tracked with Hawkeye's lithium blood level, as it rises and falls, and I really like it as a story structure. I just think it works, taken as a whole, and I’m still delighted it came together.

10. What work was the quickest to write?

who are you, a stranger in a shell of a lover. (A MASH story in which BJ wins Hawkeye in a charity auction and then doesn’t know what to do with him.) When I went to the US in October, we all had to be up at 3am to head to the airport. I’m not the sort of person who can go to sleep in time to get up for 3am, so the others went off to nap and I dozed in my armchair all night and wrote this. I was so shocked when I pulled it up a couple of days later and found it made some actual sense. Looking at it now, I think if I'd taken more time it could have been a little better, but I do like it anyway.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

Really, the whole second half of the year. Back in June I was sliding up towards manic and my friend K and I had been talking a lot, on and off, about how we make art as a queer, living community, and what that art should look like. Possibly in service of this we went to a queer and trans variety show at the Barbican that cost 25 of your earth pounds per person so should’ve been good.

It wasn’t. It was so hideously, eye-wateringly, ludicrously bad that we walked out at the interval and roasted it all the way back down to the Tube. The thing is, I said, that travesty is our artistic community. Queers, ex-Oxford and north London, genderweird and fabulous mentalists. We even know some of the cast. Basically, if this is the state of our art we're fucked. Well, said K patiently, if you have something artistic to say about life, love, manic depression and friendship, why don’t you go home and write that story of yours.

So I went home and finished off writing turn off the lights darling turn off the lights. And I honestly thought that would be it, I’d written a story to prove I could and that was it. But sometimes I think you do need to make a lot of art and you don’t necessarily know what form that will take. I didn’t write much at all in 2021 and 2022; this year’s 70k for a show I’ve been into for half my life has been a marvellous surprise.

[lasats-are-lovely]

Hey not trying to be rude (really!) but it looks like you're into other things now... and I want to know if you ever plan on finishing your lazytown fics?

A fair question - I haven't posted anything related to LazyTown or updated any of my long standing fics in a minute 😅 to say the least.

I don't know if I would say I'm done with LazyTown in any sense though, despite the fact that I now post almost exclusively about star wars. I mean, LazyTown was the show and fandom that quite literally saved my life - and it was the reason I met my gf of nearly 6 years now (and future wife uwu), so it's always gonna have a special place in my heart.

Anyway, the "short" answer to your question is:

... the long answer though?

Probably not anytime soon. Probably.

It's not necessarily from a lack of interest, it's just that... I'm an adult™️, an adult with adult responsibilities that take a lot of my time, as well as an adult who is in a very fulfilling relationship. Whenever I have free time, I'm usually spending it either recovering from some bs at work or I'm spending it with my lady. Very little time for something as time consuming at writing.

That, and I haven't been in the best of health. Had a stress episode mid-2022 that has caused me to have long-term physical side effects that make me exhausted and mentally distant far more than not. I've recently started some medication that should help, and have so far.

I want to write. Don't go assuming that I've lost all interest in that. And there are a lot of projects, old and new, that I still very much want to work on.

Sunflowers on Purple Cake has only 2 more planned chapters - one full chapter, as well as an 'epilogue' of sorts. That absolutely will be finished because it's so fucking close to being done and it will bother me to no end if I leave it where it is now.

Lazyrinth though...

I gotta give you some backstory first.

The entire reason I wrote Lazyrinth was to impress my gf. I think it was something she had joked about, and my little gay-ass was all like "I could do it!" because I had it bad... and I mean, it worked. How could she resist me after I did something so crazy? lol.

I spent the time between our interactions writing it for her because I loved watching her read it when we were together (well, together in the sense of being together in a voice call, as we started our relationship over 2000 miles apart). It was something that caused me to fall even more in love with her.

For the first half of Lazyrinth's chapters she was actively reading it, as well as proof-reading it for me before I posted it for everyone else. She was my main audience - it was easy to find motivation when I could see the excitement for more in her eyes.

But as time went on, and we finally ended up moving in together, she found other interests... and as of now she doesn't really have an active interest in LazyTown or LazyTown fanfiction. And that means Lazyrinth too.

So... I've had a hard time having the motivation to write it when the main reason I ever wrote it, to get with the most wonderful woman I have ever known, worked so well that we were telling each other I love you before I even started posting the fic to AO3. And now that she doesn't even read it anymore...

It's not that the magic is gone. It's just... it feels a bit like it's served its purpose in my life. I've reread it about 100 times now, I've had it's entire plot in my mind for so long that it's not as interesting to me as it was before. That, and my writing has changed and grown a lot since I first started, and there are things I wish I could change about the story that is now too late to go back to.

My gf wants me to finish it though. She tells me that she remembers the late nights I spent shaking from excitement talking about the new ideas I thought of. She wants me to finish it because of how important it was to us and to me.

And a surprising amount of people want me to finish it too. I never expected it to get as popular as it did, and I especially didn't expect it to be popular enough that it would pop up in a ColeyDoesThings video. It's strange, because even though I have reasons to stop writing it, I have just as many reasons to finish it.

... and it will be a long time coming, but I'm gonna do it.

No timeline on when. I don't want you or anyone to have any expectations on when it will be done, because at this rate you'll be waiting until 2026 (knock on wood....) but as long as I'm able to write, I plan on getting it done. There's only, like 5 planned chapters left after all.

Though because of how wordy my writing is, that means there's at least 8...

[duck-ism]

Blog Post #00001

01/07/25

Deep Inhale, Deep Exhale “Okay Duck you got this”

*turns to non- existent audience tapping a microphone that squeals irretiably*

B/N: this part was so much funnier to me when I wrote it

Hi, I’m Ducky, or Llewyn, only myself or my friends & family really call me Llew so dont hit me with a “Hey, Llew!”, right out the doors, *processing thought: god, this awful* but you can use whatever, I guess that's a necessary intro to… this.

Where to start, okay… well uhh I’m 20 as of last April & will be 21 this year (2025) I’m not one for complaining so much, but this is a blog where I’m going to I guess just write what I know and what I feel so I’m sorry if anything comes across that way. Just kinda need a place to prove to myself that I’m growing as a person and I’m not horrible or whatever any of my other mental difficulties want me to believe.

 I don't think that I’m the greatest thing in my parents lives, I’m certainly not the favorite, bit of a disappointment if you ask me, I failed & dropped out of the first college I went to for a Law Clerk program. (pretty much people who help lawyers & stuff, they’re over glorified secretaries ngl) The only reason I did was a whole lot of things happened. See a bit of background on me is that when I was three (3) years old my mother and father got divorced & I’ve been in my mom’s custody since (well, until I was 18), anyways my dad died a year prior (2022) to when I had dropped out (2023) & I was still grieving, I still do, but I had also that year prior, lost one of my high-school friends & my grandfather around the same time I lost my dad. You can maybe imagine the emotional stress of it all mixed with an abusive boyfriend of almost 3 years & having to break up with him, he was at the same school as me & being around him scared me too *exhales* okay calm down now…. 

Yea, at the time it was… a lot but, I also took time to heal, I guess what I guess you would consider a gap year to figure my shit out I think for the first time in a while I was able to breathe properly, that’s also the time when I met the men who I now refer to as my older brothers, who I will in future context refer to as (from oldest to youngest), Bat, Pigeon, and Racoon, they’re my safe space the people I trust most in the world along with Bat’s wife, Cat (no, I didn’t intend that they have rhyming names I’m just assigning them animal nicknames for anonymity), I trust them most in the world. In my gap year, I also just didn’t date anyone, I had been with my abusive ex for nearly three years, I needed a break from all of that, & I needed to focus on myself.

As October of my gap year came around I was told by my step-dad (who I don’t much like for reasons of a traumatic childhood) that I “Need to go back to school in January or expect to work full-time and start paying $600 rent a month” which with the chronic pain I have due to a condition that will remain undisclosed for the time, didn’t sound great if I wanted to avoid flare ups so I started looking for anything that I could start in january, thats when I found it in all it's glory, a beginners American Sign Language (ASL) program. Perfect, I’m Hard of Hearing & use hearing aids, this is a perfect chance to learn about the Deaf Community & improve on the little bit of ASL I already knew so I took that as a part-time course, & finished in March, I did well too. Now I’m at a different school, but for the same thing, ASL. I was unable to get one of the courses I needed last semester & I failed part one of a course I needed too, I passed 2 of my courses though at bare minimum, it's not that I don't understand the work, I do, my Attention Deficiet Hyper-activity Disorder (ADHD) brain was never taught good study habits & that’s something I’m teaching myself to do now because of late diagnoses. However, the program I’m in didn't kick me out. I just need to retake the necessary courses in September, which I’m okay with.

Anyways, enough background information. I’m more than just my unsteady academic career, I do have what you call hobbies & interests. I for starters play bass guitar, I got it when I turned 16 from my dad, I also come from a baseball family (Go Blue Jays) which I mostly follow but I do kinda follow Hockey & American Football because of Racoon (hockey) & Cat (football) who like those sports. I also do cosplay, & you can find me @/duckystitch.cos on Instagram & Tik Tok. I also like reading, doing digital art, and video games, as well as a whole lot of other stuff. Some very elementary details about me is my favorite color is green, my favorite show is either ‘The X-Files’ or ‘X-Men ‘97’ & my favorite movies are, ‘Army of Darkness’, ‘Pacific Rim’, & ’House of  Wax (2005)’ which Racoon introduced me to when I first met him.

Anyways, this is my introduction and official first blog . Thanks if you stick around, I suppose. I'll see you all later.

-Ducky He/Him